Fear is at the Root of my Procrastination, and my Never-Ending To-Do lists are the Leaves.

And what I'm going to do about it.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Thinking about doing something rather than actually doing it is one of my superpowers. My last job as a project manager has made me think of my to-do list as I feel about my morning cup of coffee—it is impossible to get through the day without it. What I’ve been thinking about mostly is why there are things I go to the trouble of putting on my to-do list, and then I never get to them, as in never, not ever, etc.

I took a hard look recently and deleted everything from my list, but I want to know why it had gotten so cluttered with stuff I never was going to do (things I thought were good ideas at the time). I don’t consider myself someone who procrastinates. I feel pretty decisive and productive most of the time (more later on why that might not be ideal). I sat down and asked myself, “Why?” Why do I put off certain things (not everything… I pay bills, buy groceries, shower, among other things)? Is it about resisting being an adult? I’m going to be 61 in a few weeks, so I hope not! My asking Why will require some pretty deep self-awareness, so buckle up.

The top 10 reasons I procrastinate:

(Actually, there is only one.)

Fear

Here are the layers I’ve peeled back from the fear onion:

1. Fear of failure – there is a silent horror in finally getting to something on my list only to totally screw it up (or do it half-assed to get it off the list).

2. Fear of judgment – often, I find myself putting off putting myself out there. I hide away so no one will see what I’ve done. Being invisible and not living life out loud keeps me from making progress.

3. Fear of work and being tired – sometimes, an item on my to-do list is difficult or tricky and I don’t have the energy or the skill to accomplish it.

4. Fear of asking for help – shy, reserved, independent, stubborn. These can describe this part of me. I’d rather sit in the dark than ask someone to help me change a lightbulb.

Maybe I need to thank all this fear from keeping me safe, limiting my mistakes and failures and being high maintenance. Or maybe my to-do list has kept me safe because I feel like I have a purpose, and my goal is to check off all the items before I die.

Am I afraid that if I check off that last item and have an empty to-do list that will be my ticket to heaven (whether I’m ready or not)?

So, I’m tired of procrastinating. How do I put aside all these fears and find a way to manage my life? This might be a form of denial, but if I live my life moment to moment, I won’t be putting anything off to the future. That is, what is before me, what my mind conjures up, is how I’m supposed to spend this exact moment and then this one and then the next one (with some deadlines thrown in). I want to change my relationship with productivity. Instead of getting through my to-do list and getting stuff done, focus on how I want to define my day.

I’ve been thinking about procrastination lately. Not doing anything about it just thinking (she quips).

Here’s what happens in my head when I procrastinate:

• I tell myself I’m lazy

• I think I’m incompetent

• I feel disorganized and stuck

• It’s depressing and discouraging

Yet I still do it, so the Fear is winning.

So what do I do now?

How do you handle it when you know you’re procrastinating?

Maybe it’s about allowing the fear to have a voice. I asked why a particular task had been on the list for weeks. Sit with the question and the fears it brings up. Let the task go if that feels right, or get up and go do it if that can happen. For a drastic response: delete it off the list and stop thinking about it. See what happens. Don’t feed my anxiety about any future I might hold by trying to control it through lists.

As Sheldon from the show The Big Bang Theory once said:

If there were a list of things that make me more comfortable, lists would be on the top of that list.

What is so comforting about a list? Santa has one, notoriously. If you go shopping with a list, it is unlikely you will come home from the trip without a required item. Some projects would never get done without them. Literally, they function as the T’s cross and I’s dot.

However, my To-Do list has moved from a means to an end to an end in and of itself. That feels confining and more than a little bit boring.

So here’s my challenge.

Move from the day-to-day tracking of tasks to something more free and exciting, some way of being where the day isn’t a series of steps and tasks.

I closed my eyes while writing this to see what image might capture this new way of being. I saw a flock of migrating birds. These avians don’t follow written directions. They have an inner compass that keeps them on track. They stop to rest and eat when they need to. They interact with each other without much forethought. And they get to where they want and/or need to go. My spirit animal is now a migrating bird. Maybe a Canadian goose or a bluebird.

Photo by Claude Laprise on Unsplash

To-do lists serve a valuable purpose in certain situations (my previous job as a project manager was one). Still, in this next chapter of my life, I find my time feeling more spacious, with perhaps more time available for writing and other creative pursuits; I think I am letting go of the defining list of tasks. When I move into a new way of being (not doing), I can respond to that voice in my head that asks,

“What are you going to do now?”

“Breathe and Be.”